By Tristan Jones, Accredited Mental Health Social Worker
“Just get over it”
“You’re overreacting”
“Stop acting crazy”
These are all ways in which we utilize what is known as emotional invalidation. Dismissing or rejecting an emotion or feeling. It can be seen in relationships that range from the dismissive parent to the frustrated spouse and it often results in the unhappy going unheard, a festering of resentment, and a growing belief that how one feels is not important or allowed.
Invalidation, like most things in life, is not inherently bad. It has a functional purpose in moments of crisis and allows us to fact check and challenge our emotional responses. However, it can often be overused as a way of ignoring or suppressing conflict in relationships where one might feel overwhelmed or uncertain about how to resolve an unwanted emotion in a loved one.
We all want our loved ones to be happy, and when they are not, we can often take it personally or see it as a sign of our own inadequacy. This dynamic often results in us downplaying or arguing with our loved one that what they feel is unreasonable or invalid, rather than offering support and understanding.
We can also invalidate internally, telling ourselves that “I’m being stupid” or “I’m being crazy”. The idea that we should “just get over it” and move on with things can often make the initial feelings build and lead to further behaviors that, when removed from the greater context, might be seen as excessive or unwarranted, creating a vicious cycle.
The effect of invalidation on children is immense. Invalidating parental environments are considered one of the contributing factors to children eventually developing Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) and are at higher risk of displaying self-harm and aggressive behaviours.
We often see conflict as a negative. Conflict is natural. We are not all the same person with the same ideas, wants, and needs. The key is not to avoid all conflict and invalidate negative emotions, but to communicate and work together to move through them.
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