By: Dr. Sarah Flint, Provisional Psychologist 

Parenting is a journey filled with highs and lows. Before their child is even born, many parents find themselves daydreaming about what life will look like. They imagine holidays, family traditions, and the loving bonds they’ll share. It’s often a time filled with excitement and optimism.

But as every parent knows, day-to-day parenting rarely goes exactly as planned. Children’s unique personalities and behaviours often rewrite the plans—and for parents of neurodivergent children, this reality can feel even more challenging.  For many of the parents I speak to about their neurodivergent children, there is a lot of joy, but it can be isolating, challenging and carry stigma and shame.

It's not just you, your wellbeing can be affected.

Parenting a neurodivergent child often requires significant emotional, mental, and physical energy. Studies have shown that parents in this situation experience increased stress levels and a reduction in overall wellbeing compared to parents of neurotypical children (Robinson & Yong, 2023; Teague et al., 2018).

This can lead to a cycle of self-doubt which can lead to depression and anxiety. Many parents of neurodivergent children report feeling inadequate or questioning their abilities as caregivers (Chong & Kua, 2017). These feelings may stem from societal expectations, comparisons to other parents and ideas of what parenting should look like, or frustration when parenting strategies that work for neurotypical children don’t meet the needs of their neurodivergent child.

A common story I hear is that doing things the parent thought would be relaxing, easy and positive for their child, such as a trip to the park, ends with the child becoming overstimulated or upset, which may result in the child having a meltdown.  The parent, already trying to manage their child’s distress, may also face judgmental stares or comments from strangers who do not understand and ascribe the child distress to poor parenting.  When nothing could be further from the truth.

This can create feelings of frustration at others lack of understanding, shame that you may feel embarrassed or frustrated at the situation and inadequacy that you had not planned or should have somehow prevented the meltdown before your child was distressed.  In that moment, parents often do not have the bandwidth to acknowledge and manage their own feelings, which get pushed down and can come out at other unexpected times.

It's not just you, you are constantly adjusting to changing needs and expectations.

Parenting any child involves constant adjustments, but parents of neurodivergent children often must pivot much more often and significantly (Holt, 2023). Neurodivergent children may find it difficult to articulate their emotions or needs, leaving parents to play detective. This can be exhausting and leave parents feeling inadequate or helpless.

Many children who struggle with emotional regulation lash out physically during frustration, or may impulsively become casually physical with care givers, even though they deeply love their parent.  While both parents can be the recipient of this physical expression of the child’s challenging emotions, mothers and caregivers are more likely to be the targets (McCloud, 2017). For the parent, these moments can feel like rejection, especially when their own need for affection—like a hug or a simple “I love you”—is unmet. It’s important to acknowledge these feelings of sadness and loss. They’re not a reflection of bad parenting but of the natural human need for connection.

It's not just you, you do face stigma and shame.

Many parents of neurodivergent children face blame for their child’s differences, often from well-meaning family members or society at large (Broady et al., 20 17; Brule & Eckstein, 2016). Judgemental and misinformed comments can be deeply hurtful and isolating.  Parents also report feeling grief over the loss of the relationship they had envisioned with their child. It’s okay to mourn this loss—it doesn’t mean you love your child any less. Instead, it’s about processing your feelings so you can embrace the relationship you do have, which may be different but just as meaningful.

It’s not just you, you do need connection and support.

One of the most powerful tools for parents of neurodivergent children is connection. Talking to other parents who face similar challenges can reduce feelings of isolation and shame. Knowing that you’re not alone—that others understand your struggles—can be incredibly validating (Robinson & Yong, 2023).  Online parenting groups, such as the CASPAR - Canberra Autism Spectrum Parents and Relatives Facebook page; or communicators such as @neurowild_ on Instagram can provide this support if you cannot find it in person.

Often parenting programs focus only on building skills in the child.  This is incredibly important, but it can promote feelings of inadequacy in parents (Robinson & Yong, 2023). Professional support, such as a non-judgemental and affirming psychologist, can provide a safe, understanding space for parents to process their emotions and regain confidence in their ability to support their child.

Remember, you’re not alone on this journey. Reaching out for support can make a world of difference.

Additional Resources for Parents

  1. Books
  • "The Essential Guide to Raising Complex Kids with ADHD, Anxiety and More" by Elaine Taylor-Klaus
  • "Brain-Body Parenting" by Mona Delahooke
  • "The Explosive Child" by Ross W. Greene
  • "12 Principles for Raising a Child with ADHD" by Russell Barkley
  1. Support Organizations

 

References

Broady, T. R., Stoyles, G. J., & Morse, C. (2017). ‘Understanding Carers’ Lived Experience of Stigma: The Voice of Families with a Child on the Autism Spectrum. Health & Social Care in the Community, 25: 224–33

Brule, N. J., & Eckstein, J. J. (2016). ‘“Am I Really a Bad Parent?”: Adolescent-to-Parent Abuse (AtPA) Identity and the Stigma Management Communication (SMC) Model. Journal of Family Communication, 16: 198–215.

Chong, W. H., & Kua, S. M. (2017). Parenting self-efficacy beliefs in parents of children with autism: Perspectives from Singapore. American Journal on Intellectual and Developmental Disabilities, 122(5), 393-408.

Holt, A. (2024). ‘I’m his safe space’: Mothers’ Experiences of Physical Violence From Their Neurodivergent Children—Gender, Conflict and the Ethics of Care. The British Journal of Criminology, 64(4), 811-826.

Robinson, G., & Yong, R. (2023). Parental stress and its impact on children with developmental disabilities. Developmental Disabilities Research Review, 29(2), 105-116.

Teague, S. J., et al. (2018). Parenting stress in families of children with developmental disabilities: A meta-analysis. Journal of Family Psychology, 32(8), 1047–1057.